Mark Waldman, author of Words Can Change Your Brain, has observed a dilemma in the way we communicate. “Even though highly educated, we are unskilled when it comes to communicating with others. We often choose our words without thought , oblivious of the emotional effects they can have on others. We talk more than we need to but listen poorly. He says, we fail to pay attention to the subtle meanings conveyed by facial expressions, body gestures, and the tone and cadence of our voice.” The non-verbals are elements of communication that are often more important than what we actually say.
These conversational shortcomings are not caused by poor education. Mark explains, “…Poor communication is the result of an underdeveloped brain in areas that govern social awareness, empathy, and related language skills are not fully operational until we’re about thirty years old.”
Mark lists twelve strategies of a compassionate communicator. “…. they are to relax, to stay present, to cultivate inner silence, to increase positivity, reflect on deepest values, access a pleasant memory, observe non-verbal cues, express appreciation, speak warmly, speak slowly, speak briefly, and listen deeply.
He stresses the compassionate communicator strategy can improve memory and cognition while lowering stress, anxiety, and irritability which we know undermine our conversations in a social setting.
After reading his words, I thought of how this could impact the work setting, friendships, the family unit, and intimacy in marriage. Poor listening and speaking skills are one of the major causes of disputes and divorce. As we move forward in our high-paced world, we should also become more aware of the impact of our words in texting and in sending email. What about those “words” we posts on social media about our day, our life, our jobs? Each of the words chosen to form a thought can have a ripple affect that goes beyond the date on your Facebook wall or Tweet. Becoming a compassionate communicator not only changes a relationships in the moment but can also encourage others to become compassionate speakers and deep listeners too.